Wednesday, October 29, 2008
1.) Write from the point of view of a glass at the edge of the table.
Brrrr, I'm cold. She was just holding me in her warm hand, which balanced the cool lemonade I'm holding. She put me down on this table, and forgot to use a coaster. I guess I'll be sitting in my own pee in a minute. Woot. I like coasters. Not only do they stop me from sitting in my own pee, but they also are nice and soft and squishy, unlike this hard table. My butt hurts!
WHOA. I'm really high up here. I'm a little afraid of heights, and well, I'm just not into this.
Monday, October 20, 2008
I knew motherhood would mean giving up a lot. I never expected, however, how much that would mean.
Sacrifice. It's a lot of sacrifice--of the obvious things like pedicures and eyebrow waxes, but it's been a lot of sacrifice of my time, my sanity, my confidence, that I just never expected.
This morning, I just started singing these verses in the shower, and it seems to have a real resonance in my life right now.
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life
Well, Ive been afraid of changing
cause Ive built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
Im getting older too
Saturday, October 18, 2008
What do I know is true?
I am a mom.
I am a teacher, although I may not be the greatest at it.
I have a messy house that will never be clean enough.
I have a great husband, on whom I can rely for anything.
I have the love and support of my parents.
I have two friends on whom I can always rely.
I get frustrated very easily and can lose interest/focus because of it.
I am a struggling work in progress.
There was an article/quiz in there from Dr. Oz in which the taker was to assess not her degree of beauty, but how she felt about herself as well as what she wants to be.
One of the tasks was to circle 5 things I thought were most true about myself from a list. I had a really hard time with that, but struggled even more with the next task, which was to circle 5 things on the list I'd like to be, with the results implying that if there's anything on the list that you aren't now but would like to be, it's possible to work on them.
It made me realize how crappy things really are with me, rather than giving me the hope that I can improve things the author intended.
Friday, October 17, 2008
We've been hearing this scratching noise in what we thought was the attic the past few days. Well, M heard it first, but it kept ME up all night last night. Every time I started to drift off and heard it again, I got the creepy crawlies BAD.
I kept calling the cats over to kill it, and at one point was awoken by Catcher jumping into a plastic bag in M's closet. So they're definitely aware, but don't seem to be doing anything about it.
Freaking house. Freaking mice.
It sounded like it was in M's closet wall, trying to scratch out. Into our bedroom. Ew.
While we're on the topic of mouse stories, I've got a gross one.
When I went on maternity leave, I took all the stuff from my classroom. With nowhere to store it, most of it ended up in boxes in the basement.
When I returned to work, I moved some of the boxes into my new classroom. A few weeks into the year, I started going through one of the boxes looking for something to discover what I thought was a cat toy. It wasn't. Fucker had pissed and shat in my box, and ALL MY STUFF HAD TO GO IN THE TRASH. And it smelled bad too.
I am DESPERATE to go out dancing. Such that I even planned my own birthday party as an excuse. That fell by the wayside, and now I'm falling asleep to visions of how much of a loser would I be if I go out to nightclub and go dancing BY MYSELF. Yes, it's THAT bad.
Recall a time when you did something to get noticed. Write about it.
Well, if I'm being honest, I can recall lots of times when I've tried to get noticed. You'd think I was Jan Brady or something. But I can recall in my desire to be drum major, I would often do things to make myself noticed. I can remember one trip in high school in which my competition for the drum major position was showing the guy in charge of the selection all the photos in her wallet; her parents, brother, etc. I remember rolling my eyes and thinking that it was lame. I've always been the type who doesn't really keep photos in her wallet (if remembering to carry a wallet at all), but I do remember that I really wished that I had some at that time, despite thinking it was so dumb and obvious. I also remember in my first year of the UDMB, Katie, Karen, and I used to run around like weirdos.... I'm not sure why, but it was most definitely to get noticed.
Looking back, I feel like I've always had a sense that someone important was watching. Like I remember in high school at a nighttime thing on a band trip, we went to this thing where there was dancing, and feeling like someone who could make me famous was watching my *oh*so*cool*dancing*.
I guess it's kind of drilled into our heads, since so many models and actors are just "discovered" on the street somewhere, but that kind of thing just doesn't happen in Nowheresville, NJ.
See, I've had this for a long time--this desire to be something great when I'm really just typical.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
It saddens me to think of Rachel Scott (who I mentioned in an earlier blog), who in 17 short years was a far better person than I have been in 30.
I get in funks like these often, where I dwell on how much I suck. They aren't happy times for me, but they're possibly even worse for Hubs, who gets so upset when I get into a gray time... and it's never just a day, but more likely to be for a week. When I get like this, I often sit and ponder how I have no REASON to be so hard on myself--my life is great, my family loves me, etc, etc.
One piece of the challenge is to write down life goals. I've written here some goals for my 30s, which I do hope to achieve. As far as life goals, though, those are a bit tougher. As I've said before, I don't think I want to be a teacher forever, but I don't really know what else I would do. That is, other than stay at home mom. I want to retire at 55, but the current economic state indicates that might not happen for me. I want to have three children, who are close in age, but my husband does not.
I realize that goal setting is not about the buts, but at the same time, I try to be practical. I could certainly set a goal to be a world famous singer, but I have an awful singing voice (I guess there's always the William Hung method). I guess this is part of why life has been so dissatisfactory for me, but I can't just go ahead and get myself pregnant twice in the next five years.
If anyone has advice on how to reach my goals in a practical way, I am all ears.
I was at my church from childhood, waiting to walk down the aisle and become a priest. I was in these white robes and everything. They told me to stay in this room at the back of the church while Mass went on. Toward the end, a priest came to me and asked if I was done with the marriage thing. Then he asked if I was done with the Jew thing. I had no idea what the guy was saying, so just nodded my head. They went away. Then I said, "Hey wait a second, did you mean that I can't be married?" and they said of course not; The Church frowns on divorce. Um, kay.
Then, I was waiting at the back of the church and started panicking. I DID NOT want to walk down the aisle. I saw my mom and son and told her that I couldn't do this (simply because I didn't want to walk down the aisle, btw).
I'm such a wacko.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
I got this in my email and thought it fitting to share here. We did, unlike the email suggests, have a microwave in my house. My parents got it in 1983 (the year I went to kindergarten, btw), and didn't replace it until after I had graduated from college. Call me an old fogey if you will (Hell, my mother sent me a birthday card saying that 30 means teenagers everywhere considers you old)...
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking 25 miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways …yadda, yadda, yadda.
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of garbage like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
1) When I was a kid we didn't have The Internet.
If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!
2) There was no email!!
We had to actually write somebody a letter ... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
3) There were no MP3's or Napsters!
If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike all the way to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up!
4) We didn't have any fancy Call Waiting!
If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
5) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances mister!
6) We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3D graphics!
We had the Atari 2600! With games like “Space Invaders” and “Asteroids” and the graphics were horrible! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
7) When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating!
All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with big hair or a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just plain out of luck!
8) Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
And there was no Cartoon Network either!
You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons!
9) And we didn't have microwaves…
If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove or go build a fire...imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing or a pan with HOT oil and Real popcorn kernels and shake it all over the stove forever.
10) When we were on the phone with our friends and our parents walked-in…we were stuck to the wall with a cord, a 7-foot cord that ran to the phone - not to the phone base, the actual phone. We barely had enough length to sit on the floor and still be able to twirl the phone cord in our fingers. If you suddenly had to go to the bathroom - guess what we had to do.....hang up and talk to them later.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!
“The Over 30 Crowd”
Anyway, this blog is my musings and goals for my FOURTH decade of life.
As I neared the big day, I told someone that my birthday was coming, that it was a big one, and that I wasn't happy about it. She rolled her eyes at me and said, "Oh, like YOU'RE old." Well, no, but 30 is a big deal. It's the end of not being responsible, it's definite adulthood with no holds barred. It's work, it's mortgage, it's being chef and cleaning lady, and it's being Mommy. These will be my "Mom's Taxi" years. My alcohol consumption has already taken a drastic nosedive. Since returning to work after maternity leave, it's not uncommon for me to be asleep on the couch at 9.
I feel like I didn't really have the fun I was supposed to in my 20s. I had lots of fun, don't get me wrong, but I also feel that I was so focused on doing well in my career that I didn't stop and smell the roses as much as I should have.
I've made a bucket list for my 30s. By September 21, 2018, I will have:
- learned how to SCUBA dive
- learned how to surf
- sung karaoke
- visited 15 new American states
- had at least one more child (hopefully two)
- laughed, learned, and been a fool