Monday, June 14, 2010

Waiting.

I feel like my life is on hold right now; I'm not living it so much as waiting for it to begin. There's been a lot of stages in my life that I've felt that--waiting to finish school and be an adult, waiting to get married... Now that I have small kids, it's hard to have a social life. It's hard to choose between nursing my son and having some fun. It's even harder when you're living on one not so large income.

I want to move. I want a home we can more reasonably afford now that our financial situation has changed so drastically since we bought this one. I want to fulfill my lifelong dream of living 30 minutes from the beach. Then reality sets in; my husband works half an hour from where we currently live, and the odds of him finding a job remotely close to where I want to live are very small. Further, he's very happy where he is, so how can I put my happiness ahead of his as well as his livelihood? Add in a terrible market, after we bought our house as it was just starting to slide down, and we'd lose a good deal of money on the sale of our home. This all just makes my dreams sound dumb.

Saying that brings me to tears.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Being mom.

My husband is so good to me. Our lives have changed, obviously, with the arrival of a new child, and he has done all he can to make it easy on me. I previously was responsible for bringing our older son to daycare, so he could get to work early. Since E was born, he has taken on the job, getting him to work much later and with more traffic plus having to get a toddler dressed, fed, teeth brushed, etc.

Since A becomes more and more Daddy's boy every day, he has taken to waking up when M starts the shower. I have tried to give M an uninterrupted shower at least by inviting A to cuddle with me. It melted my heart this morning when I was woken up by, "Mommy, I want to cuddle."

E grabbed my attention with a baby grunt and rewarded me with a giant smile.

But for all these wonderful and amazing things that go with being Mommy, am I anything more than Mommy...and housewife?

What can I bring to a conversation, other than, "Guess what I watched on netflix today?" or "Honey, I'd like to buy this for the boys," or, "I mallwalked for four hours today and didn't buy a thing!"

I'd love to go out, meet friends, have drinks, but I'm not bringing any loot into this house. How can I justify having that kind of fun when we're struggling to pay the bills? How does one meet friends, and hope to talk about something more than kids, when all her friends are far away/working and she can't figure out how to meet them without paying to join some group? And then there's the babysitter... I don't want to impose on the grandparents, but affording a $10/hour babysitter just to see a $10/ticket movie is really tough.

My problem is always that I want to have it both ways. I want to be home to raise my children, I want to have a social life, I want to have some alone time with my husband, I want to have nice things, I want to have a good time.

What's the right balance?

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Follow through.

I just watched Julie and Julia. I'm pretty sure I STARTED this blog after having read the book, and realizing that I too don't really have a great follow through. Clearly, that didn't hold, I got busy, and well, I'm now only a few months away from 32.

So far, my thirties have been pretty...typical. I have been a mom for my entire thirties, and have added another little one to the mix (he'll be 7 weeks old on Tuesday!)

In my thirties, I worked hard too. My career has been on cruise control really, as I focused more on parenthood and caring for a family and house. I am now on an extended maternity leave, which is absolutely fantastic for me (getting rid of the work related frustrations makes me a totally different person) and surely for my son, but finances are going to be really tight. Right now, we're trying to figure out what the older boy's situation for school and daycare will be next year while I pull no income. We also are trying to figure out how to save money yet still maintain our standard of living. Unfortunately, this pulls M out of the house more. Luckily, he has been sought after as a tutor, which has brought a LOT of unexpected money into the house.

Oop, time to get a crying child!